Aly Laube


Vapes: How Douchey Are They, Really?

The answer might surprise you

It’s 2:00 pm on a Sunday. Slightly overcast, 25 degrees. You’re walking down Commercial Drive with your brand new Smok in a see-through plastic bag that says “Have a Nice Day!” on it, and you just keep thinking, “Wow, I’m the owner of a vape starting today. I vape now, and everybody knows.”

A wave of mild embarrassment engulfs you.

Suddenly you wish you hadn’t bought the vape. You’re questioning the validity of its cool factor. The word “vape” is starting to sound weird in your head, so you say it out loud and it sounds even worse. People are staring. Your forehead is drenched in cold sweat. You’re dizzy from all the unanswered vape-related questions racing through your head.

God, what have you done?

You’re not sure how it works, you’re pretty sure it’ll give you throat cancer, and you’re realizing you probably shouldn’t have bought the most fucking obnoxious one in the whole store just because the dude at the counter told you to. It’s ugly and that guy was a dick.

But it’s yours now, and there’s no going back. Welcome to the crew, kid. You are now a vape owner. A vaper. A vape lord, if you will.

Maybe you bought the vape because you wanted to look hip. Maybe you bought it because you have a smoking problem you’re trying to get rid of before your mom catches on and, hilariously, assumed that you would actually be able to control how much you use your shiny new Smok throughout the day. Maybe you were curious about the Vape Life and wanted to make some Vape Friends, or maybe you just like the sweet taste of Mango Wango.

Regardless of what your reason is, I regret to inform you that you have very likely made a grave mistake.

Why, you ask? “I thought vaping was stylish,” you might be thinking. “All my stylish acquaintances vape and I want to be like them.” Well, I have some news for you.

Vaping is really douchey. On a scale of David Attenborough to Logan Paul, vaping is at, like, Justin Beiber when he publicly peed in a mop bucket in New York and started cussing out Bill Clinton on camera in 2013. It’s not that bad, but it’s pretty humiliating and makes people go, “Wow, really? Why?”

I’ll level with you here. Vaping is kind of nice. It’s got all the benefits of smoking cigarettes without the horrible ashtray mouth and disgusting jaundice fingers. It’s slightly more cost-efficient than smoking, it really can help wean people off nicotine, and its scent isn’t nearly as offensive as the smell of burnt tobacco and fibreglass.

There’s just one problem. Those fucking clouds, man. They’re so, so annoying.

I mean, we get it, you vape. Everyone can see you, everyone understands. You’re rollin’ around town in a cloud of fruity smoke, poofing from place to place like you’re goddamned David Copperfield or something. It’s distracting and no one cares about how deeply you can inhale drugs and sugar into your lungs. You aren’t hot shit! And neither is your vape, so stop flexing. Please, for the love of God, stop flexing.

Sure, you own a vape now. Paid good money for it and you’ve gotta use it and all. That’s just common sense.

All I’m saying is you should feel bad about it, you know? That’s all I’m trying to say.