Horoscopes - September 30, 2019

(Kristen Frier)


Sagittarius—Whenever introducing yourself, simply add “local hero” after your name to instantly receive people’s respect. 

Capricorn—”SIC SEMPER TYRANNOUS!” you shout while furiously kicking over a conservative MP’s sign on your neighbour’s lawn.

Aquarius—Is it possible to rub a YouTube video all over yourself in orgasmic reverie? Spend the business week finding out.

Pisces—Tell everyone that the Ninja Turtles taught you how to be yourself, then proceed to spend the rest of your life inside a Ninja Turtle costume.

Aries—Like no place, there is home.

Taurus—When approaching the barista, refuse the desire to order a “blumpkin spice latte” and  instead live comfortably knowing you are not the lowest form of life in the universe.

Gemini—Why would you do that to Bill Murray you monster?

Cancer—Then again, maybe you prefer the silence.

Leo—If under the section labelled “Cause of Death” your loved ones write “malaise,” you’ll begin to understand the kind of day I’m having.

Virgo—Most likely to succeed? Most likely to become a celebrity? MOST LIKELY TO DIE HISTORIC ON FURY ROAD?!?

Libra—Don’t let the fact that you’re a great supine protoplasmic invertebrate jelly get you down this week. I mean, hey, at least you didn’t get caught peeing into a mug.

Scorpio—Ghosts ain’t got no legs. That’s just science.