Braden Klassen

Contributor

staff@runnermag.ca

An Intimate Chat with One of Those Douchebags Who Rips Down 72nd in their Shitty Charger

(Max Pixel)

 

Hi. Who are you, and what the fuck is your problem?

“Sup. My name is Brandon, and I drive a sick Dodge Charger. It’s Charcoal black with a red racing stripe on the side… so you know it’s fast. The engine gets super loud when I hit about 7 revs in low gear, and it makes me feel warm and happy inside. I like to peel out at the light on 128 and race down 72nd like, everyday, bro.”

Are you aware of how annoying that is?

“Sure, but it gives me a sense of purpose, and I love scaring the shit out of people and interrupting their conversations because I have a pathological need for attention. My self-esteem is super low, and this is pretty much the only thing that keeps me going.”

How much time do you spend in your car?

“Practically 24/7, bro. I can’t really afford a home because of the cost of insuring this baby and paying for gas. I usually have to fill up once a day, because accelerating from 128 past 126 really burns up fuel – and I do that like, 7 or 8 times a day? So yeah, it starts to get up there.”

How much do you pay?

“I’d say I blow through about $800-900 a month on gas, and an extra $750 or so on insurance because I have a premium from running into a parked car in Burnaby a couple of years ago. Haha.”

Oh wow, where does all that money come from?

“My parents, haha. I tell them I need it to pay for online courses to get my real-estate license. I’ve been doing it for months. I think they know I’m lying to them though, but they keep paying because it keeps me out of the house and they really hate spending time with me or seeing me.”

Really? That’s pretty sad.

“Yeah, haha! They can’t stand the sight of me!”

Oh…

“They barely acknowledge my existence.”

Honestly, I don’t blame them.

“Ahaha, brooooooo.”

Uh, do you ha-

“Though seriously, I am a major fucking disappointment to them.”

Okay. Do you have any friends?

“Haha.”

Really? Nobody?

“Nah. I don’t actually have anywhere else to go, so I compensate for that by driving this car around trying to startle people waiting at the bus stops on 72nd Avenue next to KPU. Maybe someday, someone will be impressed by my loud-ass whip and will try and be my friend.”

I doubt it.

“Never say never bro! Haha.

“Bieber, bro.”

Alright. Final question: why?

“Growing up, my parents didn’t show me very much affection. I felt like I was constantly disappointing them. When I had to repeat 5th grade, my father told me he no longer loved me. I just wanted to make him proud. One day, when I was like 18 or 19 years old, he said to me, ‘Brandon, I stopped loving you years ago, and I feel bad about that. So bad, in fact, that I decided to go out and spend $67,000 dollars on a brand new Dodge Charger for you. It’s Charcoal black and it has a red racing stripe on the side… so you know it’s fast.’”

“I was like, ‘Thanks Dad! This is great! My whole life I’ve been wanting – wishing – to be more than the disappointment I see everyday when I wake up and look in the mirror. Now that I have this overpriced gas-guzzling automobile, my life finally has meaning.’”

“He smiled and said,‘Good! I still don’t love you by the way. Like I really, really don’t like you at all, and I wish I had just followed my dream of becoming a high school music teacher rather than settling down and becoming a father. Having you was a mistake, and I don’t know where your mother and I went wrong when we were raising you. You’re fucking obnoxious and you don’t seem to have a personality. I’m going to hand you the keys so you can go take a test spin. And when you’re done with that, I want you to take this overpriced piece of shit and use it to drive as far away from me and your mother as you can, as fast as you can, and never look back. We’re starting a new life without you.’”

Oh my god that’s terrible. What did you say?

“I was like ‘haha, brooooooo!’”