Kristen Frier

Content Manager

If You're Going As Santa Claus This Halloween, You're Fucked: The Musical.

(flickr/Andrew Mager)

Santa Claus is dope. We all know this. His long wispy white beard reminds of of wise wizards from fantastical landscapes and his cozy belly makes you want to curl up on it like a cat and sip hot chocolate also like a cat (with a reasonable amount of caution). However, going as Santa, our favourite mysterious rosy cheeked grandpa, is naughty, not nice, and if you don’t agree you should check this list twice.

1. Poor Execution

Santa Claus is adorable, but a Kyle in Santa pants half-ass pin rolled in checkerboard vans that he has definitely peed his RedBull infused piss onto behind a dumpster at Kelly’s “no vegan’s allowed” Thanksgiving rager, less cute. Also he’s not wearing a shirt. Put your nipples away Kyle.

2. Drunk Santa

kYLE IS DRUNK anD EverYthing I s nice.

Kyle threw up in the santa hat. It is not an adequate place to hold fluids.

3. Think Of The Children

Little Johnny got all dressed up as Joaquin Phoenix as Joker because he has bad parents who took him to see what critics are calling “feral”. Little Johnny was just looking for a goddamn twix bar because they are the BEST candy (and if you’re giving out loose handfuls of peanut-free trail mix that is mostly raisins, you deserve the imminent egging from angry tweens) when he saw Santa hucking sauce.

Christmas is ruined.

Thanks Kyle.