Marcus Jones


Remember those clowns? WTF was that?!

(public domain)

I remember back in high school when the killer clown craze was occurring in ‘16. The year before, several of these insane buggers were spotted leaving destroyed pumpkins on porches. Then the shitstorm began.

All of a sudden, clown sightings happened all across North America. They were seen creeping in shadowy crevices in neighborhoods, spotted in dark alleyways, found creeping through vast fields, and even smiling at you on the goddamn sidewalk. These sightings spread across the country and into the veins of urban mythology.

There weren’t many concrete reasons that explain why this load of toss was happening. However, I have several theories I’ve cooked up while lying in the tub, baseball bat in hand, completely high on pumpkin spice lattes, with visions of Binky the Clown wanting to eat me…

The fear of clowns (coulrophobia) is a potent and dreadful phobia that exists in the hearts of many. Movies, and other forms of entertainment, have sensationalised this fear, but it wasn’t until these sightings happened that clowns became a mainstream source of interest in our day-to-day lives. In the same way that the Harlem Shake took the internet by storm in ’13, the creepy clown sightings became a modern fixation for the masses.

Soon enough, other people began to take up this ‘gimmick,’ which consisted of playing on the paranoia caused by the sightings by dressing up as a scary clown, and scaring members of the public. Some of these people are so ballsy, and are such reptilian assholes, that they even wield hammers and other weapons to further scare their ‘targets.’ Some of us rational-thinking people would call this ‘how to get shot in the face 101,’ but YouTube pranksters have never been the brightest creatures in existence.

With the 2019 release of Joker, one of my new favorite movies of the year, there could be speculation that clown sightings could make a resurgence. I highly doubt that, as the aforementioned film dealt more with a mentally ill individual who suffers from society’s mistreatment, rather than an anarchist who looks like a clown.

In short, those who fear the funny men have little to fear, as scary clown sightings have dwindled. As of this year, such recordings are pretty much non-existent.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to grab my trusty baseball bat, lock myself in the closet, and prepare for Binky the Clown’s return. That’s right, you bozo-faced little shit, you got the jump on me in the bathtub, but I’m more than prepared in this personal space____

*loud bludgeoning noises, followed by a cartoonish boing sound effect*

“Hello, this is Binky the Clown. Ignore everything that this man has just said. Clowns aren’t evil! We just want to make you laugh! ‘Till you’re dead! So come on down and float with us! This Halloween will be fun, I promise! Now then, to take this rude, smelly man, and wrap him up into cotton candy for later consumption…”