Marcus Jones


Letter to Editor: The Blissful Existence of Zebra cakes

(And why they are God’s greatest gifts to us)

Delicious delicious Zebra Cakes.

I tell you what, I tell you what: zebra cakes are the greatest things to happen. At one time, I was so consumed with darkness and depression, that I swear my footsteps left dark, void puddles of empty black sludge. Almost like a Hollow from Dark Souls, I was cursed to wander in endless misery, doubting if my mere existence would amount to anything. And then, almost as if in an act of divine intervention, this wonderful cake decorated with the face of a Savanah horse caught my attention, and I couldn’t have felt more reborn.

I know this may seem weird to you, but zebra cakes have brought me back from the abyss. Like a light in the darkness, it has guided me towards unending positivity and away from the endless abyss.

Just the image of zebra cakes is enough to brighten my day. You cannot even comprehend my fetish obsession with zebra cakes. As long as it has that desirable, striped Savanah horse on it, it is worth worshipping to the point of fanaticism. I don’t care whom judges me: it is by my passionate acknowledgement of zebra cakes that filthy non-believers will know what superior beliefs look like!

Zebra cakes are love. Zebra cakes are life.