Aly Laube


How to Use Tinder During a Pandemic

Always wear protection

Folks are out there swapping their bodily fluids like there isn’t a global pandemic going down, but you’re not like the rest of ‘em, right? You’re a classy dude who wants to get back on the dating scene in style, and you’re going to want to do it the right way: Fully protected and disgustingly horny. So get your gloves out and your mask on, baby, ‘cause it’s about to get filthy.

Sound sexy and a little gross? It sure is, you nasty little freak. Here are some tips for getting back on the ‘Tind as soon as humanly possible.

Step one: Stop making out with your body pillow and get back out there, sport! You’re probably going a little bonkers sitting in your house dreaming about super likes, so the first thing to do is make sure you still have all your marbles. Call your friends and tell them to pretend to be your celebrity crush so you can practice flirting. If they say no, just pretend that celebrity’s in your house anyway and talk to yourself for a couple hours. You could even set up a fake date with candles and build a paper mache version of their face to tape to a chair so it looks kind of like a human. Make two dinners and pretend to feed them theirs but actually feed it to your dog or something. That sounds fun, right? Fun and sane, yeah. Start there.

Step two: You’re gonna need more than condoms this time around. We’re living through a global health crisis, so you’ll want to come prepared. This means you’re probably going to have to purchase or steal some high-tech equipment. Too broke or scared? Haha, loser. Anyway, here’s an article on how to make your own Hazmat suits out of garbage bags, which is like, such a cool look for a first date. Smart and stylish? Who could resist?

Step four: Keep it business on the streets, but party in the sheets. Let’s say you found a cutie and things are going well. You’re in your garbage suit, they’re in their garbage suit, and you both share a common hatred for flattening the curve. How romantic. You know what the next step is: Get rid of all that quarantine stuff and strip down ASAP! You’re throbbing with desperation and the virus can’t get you in the sack anyway. That’s just science. Plus, no one’s looking … or are they?

Step five: Burn all evidence. The government is always all, “Don’t meet up with strangers during a pandemic,” this and, “Stay six feet apart,” that. Annoying much? But they’re watching, always watching, so make sure you delete Tinder forever after you’re done getting your rocks off. I mean, you got what you needed anyway and Dr. Bonnie Henry would be pissed if she knew about your behaviour. Honestly, you should be ashamed, man. Gross.

Step five: Stop reading this article. The time you spent reading this could have been spent on swiping right. That’s like, five potential disappointing car hookups gone, so you’re already failing. Also, you’re kind of grossing me out. You know what? Just ignore everything I told you.