Kristen Frier

Content Manager

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How To Murder Like A Billion Spiders And Live To Tell The Tale

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It’s Covid. People are bored. For some ungodly reason this boredom led me to the decision that I would clean out and convert a 100-year-old cellar into a walk-in-closet. As you can guess – that shit was gross. There was like a billion goddamn spiders, each one with a story to tell, and I killed them all. I murdered so many spiders that any who remain will write little spider folk songs about me. I single-handedly gentrified the spider community living in that cellar, now there is a Starbucks on every corner and artsy white people moving in who walk around like they own the place.

Anyways, if you ever find yourself in a dark room just fucking full of harmless little spiders who are minding thier own business, and wanting to murder those spiders, here are some tips:

 

Put your hair up

 

If you have crazy flowing locks – put that shit away. If you feel a tickle on your shoulder you are going to want to know for sure if it’s a daddy long legs seeking a leggy revenge.

 

Use vinegar, peppermint oil, or chestnuts

 

Spiders don’t like ‘em.

 

Put your hair back down! 

 

I don’t know who the fuck told you to put your hair up but it was really bad advice. If spiders are raining down from the heavens like your living in some kind of biblical hell-scape you will want to be able to remove them.

 

Don’t be sober

 

It’s better to feel nothing. I’m not going to tell you to get sloppy drunk, but it might help just saying.

 

Dress up like a Ghostbuster

 

Okay so now that you’re drunk, try and wear your vacuum like a backpack. Don’t forget to sing the whole theme song word for word in between fearful yelps.

Hopefully this helps, and if it doesn’t.. you should probably give up. I did, and I’m happier for it.