Kristen Frier

Content Manager

Tell Amazon To Go Fuck Themselves This Holiday Season

Amazon is evil, we know this, but goddamn if it’s not tempting during the holidays to just order 10 pairs of headphones online and ship ‘em off to your friends and family and call it a day. I get it, it’s nearly the end of the semester. Things are hard. Life pretty much sucks right now and is going to suck for the foreseeable future. On top of that, we will probably be in quarantine for all of winter and won’t be able to exchange gifts in person making online shopping an even more tempting option. Seriously though, there are options out there that don’t support evil mega-corporations such as Amazon. Donating to charity is an option, gift cards, and shopping local are all good and fine, but the following will satisfy even the non-charitable minimalist in your life who doesn’t like “stuff” but still wants “things”.

CosmoNova is a website that allows you to buy the deed to a star for yourself or loved ones. Their packages range from $25 for a single star and certificate up to $65 for a binary star. You can get pretty fancy here and add personalized messages, a frame, and even select exactly which star you want to own. They also have a “last minute” option perfect for if you’re a total jerk and completely forgot to get your own mother a birthday present and don’t want to hurt her feelings. I personally plan on buying myself a star when and if I accomplish something significant enough to warrant owning my own bit of space gas.

Another fun certificate-based gift is available on a website called Established Titles. This site sells Lordship/Lairdship title packs that come with 1 square foot of land in Aberdeenshire, Scotland. I know I said these gift ideas would work for your non-charitable friends, so keeping that in mind this is a purely selfish gift. I assure you it’s power hungry at its roots – don’t worry! Buuuuuut it does also technically preserve the woodlands of Scotland so I guess that’s cool too. The site is also donating meals with each purchase through Feeding America. The best part, besides that land is tax-free in Scotland, is that you can legally change your title to “Lord, Lady or Laird” instead or “Mr, Ms, or Mrs” which is straight up excellent. 1 square foot is only $50 approximatley but you can get up to 10 square feet for added cost.

I know we have talked about Edible Anus before, but I really can’t tell you enough how much I love their products. Not that I’ve ever spent any actual money on their site, but I simply love that they exist. As a VERY expensive gift for that special someone, you can get a solid bronze or silver anus. I plan on buying one to be attached on a future wedding ring instead of a diamond. They also have a very affordable “cast your own anus” kit which they emphasize is not for making your own chocolate anuses. Plaster is not “edible” technically but you won’t hear any judgement from me. Their main product is a 3 pack of anuses made with milk, white and dark chocolate available for 24 euros. I’m sure this website isn’t news to you. Millennials are always talking about “eating ass” and I assume this is what they are referring too.

The best way to tell Amazon to go fuck themselves is to just not give them your money. Jeff Bezos doesn’t care what you have to say, just stop giving him money when and if you can. Good luck with your holiday shopping, if you need more suggestions hit the comments section or reach out to me directly. I got you.