Marcus Jones

Contributor

Why no one named Aiden has ever been a cool person.

(Kristen Frier)

“You can’t judge a book by its cover,” said someone in the past. This may have been true once, but a substantial amount of time has passed, and quite frankly, the title printed on the cover says it all. There lies an inherent contempt towards anyone named ‘Aiden.’ The name ‘Aiden’ carries with it a curse; a lingering obsession to be as douchey as possible. The kind of people that skip into line ahead of you when you’re just two people away from the register; the type of person who lets their dog crap on your lawn and just leaves it there. The race known as human is a complex one, and while there are certainly a desirable bunch, like those who wave at you when you let them pass your car, or those who actually hold the door for you at the store, there are also just an equal amount of unpleasant folks. These kinds of people possess the names of ‘Karens,’ ‘Darrens,’ ‘Kyles’ and the aforementioned ‘Aidens.’ Like the previously mentioned, the Aiden populates the world with its unwanted and smelly presence. Their behavior ranges from loud screaming noises similar to the mating calls of adolescent dolphins high on puffer fish venom, the penchant for annoying people with passive-aggressive quips, and then pulling out and teleporting away before back-up arrives. ‘Aidens’ aren’t so much people as they are situations. They are always bad, and they’re just waiting to happen with little to no provocation. The best ways to properly deal with this international threat to humanity is to calmly walk up to them (be sure to avoid provoking them) and telling them to get a real-human occupation, but from what I hear, expert testimonies argue that using bear-shot loaded with deodorant works just fine.

*Note from the Content Manager: This is a comedy publication. If your name is Aiden please do not send me angry letters or you will just be proving that your existence as a human is, as Marcus states, smelly.